I know blogs aren’t really for story telling. So I won’t do this very often, but I’d like to be vulnerable with you all. I’d like you to know who I am on a little more personal level.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “What is my PURPOSE in life? Maybe it’s to create music. Maybe it’s to teach. Maybe it’s to just be the best version of yourself.”
Well, my answer has always been, “To be a mom”. I absolutely, wholeheartedly knew I was put on this earth to be a mom. Corny, right? Well, it’s the honest truth.
So if you don’t mind, I am going to open up to you all a little bit and tell you a little about my journey in becoming a mother.
At 23, I was told I have endometriosis, which is a painful disease that effects 1 in 10 women in reproductive age. I was told if I don’t start trying to get pregnant, sooner than later, I should just know the consequences (which could possibly be not being able to get pregnant).
It may not have been the most “perfect” time in our lives… we just moved across the country, just bought a house, weren’t married but we knew we wanted a nothing more but to start a family together.
A Few Months Later
I remember thinking, “I feel pregnant! I know I am!!!” I decided to take a pregnancy test. Side note – I think I was addicted to taking pregnancy tests…
If I close my eyes I can still see this moment. There was a faint second line and I was just in awe. I immediately started touching my belly thinking “Wow, there is a baby in here. My baby. Our baby.” I didn’t want to tell Chris just yet. I wanted to surprise him. To be sure, the next day I took another test; only this time, the results seemed just as faint as the day before; but it was still there! I could see it! We were having a baby!!! I immediately ran to the store and picked out the cutest baby Converse shoes I have had ever seen and had them sitting out for the new daddy-to-be when he got home! I recorded his reaction and I probably watched the video of us hugging and kissing 1000x. That moment was perfect…
I felt so motherly already, touching my belly, coming up with names, looking up ways to surprise our family but you know, something felt off. The pregnancy tests I was taking every day never seemed to get darker, only seemed to stay faint. So I decided to get blood work and I remember thinking something was wrong. A day later I was sent my blood work results; I was pregnant but in the middle of a miscarriage. The pain was tremendous.
I remember thinking, “How? I am a healthy, young woman. This should be easy; my body is meant to do this.” Chris held me for nights as I just cried and felt so defeated. I remember getting notifications from my pregnancy apps telling what fruit my baby was this week. I was heartbroken.
My doctor recommended I give my body a break for a month.
THAT MONTH – oh, that month
Well, believe it or not I was still peeing on pregnancy sticks like it was my dang job.
I told myself “Heather, why are you peeing on this right now? There is no way you’re pregnant. This was the month we shouldn’t be trying.” Well, there I was…peeing anyway.
And the first line pops up and I knew there couldn’t be a second line. There was no way.
30 seconds later…there was a faint, faint, faint purple second line. SECOND LINE!
I sat in the bathroom, held it up to the light, stared at it for minutes as if it would disappear. It just couldn’t be real, but it never went away. I went out to the kitchen holding this pregnancy test behind my back and walked up to Chris. I remember this moment so clear. I looked at him and said, “Babe, will you look at this for me?” He held the pregnancy test up to his face (probably annoyed because this is the 175th pregnancy test he had examined). Guys! I WAS PREGNANT! How was this possible?! This time the line got darker and darker. But I’ll tell you what, every doctors visit never got less nerve wracking. A little flickering dot on the screen turned to a dancing gummy bear, then to the most beautiful sound I have ever heard – the heartbeat! Magical. There I was, it took me 7 months, but I was pregnant with a baby girl.
Most moms don’t talk about their journey to becoming the mom that they are. For some, it was an easy process. For others, there may have been some really hard struggles along their journey.
It may be a hard day today. You may feel like you’ll never achieve what your going for, but don’t ever give up. It is worth the journey. But don’t ever be afraid to share your journey. Most importantly, don’t ever be ashamed of your journey. You may be surprised how many other people have had similar trials as you.
So ask yourself, “What is your purpose in life? What is your why?” As I hold my baby girl at 15 months, I some days just stare at her and cry. She is a dream come true, she is my purpose.
If anyone ever needs to talk about the struggles they are having or have had on their journey, I am more than happy to talk and listen. Miscarriage is taboo but it doesn’t need to be. We learn, grow, process our hurt, heal our wounds each time we share our stories. I have learned most of all how precious life truly is, and how absolutely beautiful our bodies truly are.
Xo Heather Nicole U